If you’re happy and you know it... tell me how!

When you ask yourself if the person you’re with is The One, more questions can pop up. If you ask google how to tell if you’re happy in your relationship, yahoo group trolls will shout back, “If you even have to ask, the answer is no!” Finding the person to share your life with is complicated, right? Why is all the advice pointing to a simplified version of reality? Maybe it just hasn’t happened to me yet and that’s why I question the logic, but I want to take a good look at this classic QA combo and see where we end up.

When it comes to knowing whether or not he is “The One,” you just do.

Okay, I get that. Sounds poetic and nice and simple enough to be written off as a zen, buddha, enlightened truth. Don’t overthink it, if it feels right it is. It also sounds like a real disservice to keep repackaging this Disney version of true love that could be keeping us thinking women from actually recognizing it when we see it.

With relationships carrying on longer and longer these days before questions are popped and vows are answered, there’s more opportunity for those icky moments to crop up. Those moments when it doesn’t feel right, or good or even healthy. When rough patches come before “I do,” can you still feel so relaxed and self-assured?

I know extremely happily married couples who admit to going through “rough patches” for months or even years here and there. So if you’re pre-marriage it follows logically that your relationships can still hit terrible roadblocks or less dramatic, “I don’t like you right now” weeks. All that yuckiness when you’re suposed to be feeling blissed out about your beau. Simple Certainty can feel rather like a pink, fluffy pipe dream … or maybe it’s true but it will be true with someone else, someplace else.  

I have felt the blissful “Aha, there you are” body rush that comes from love at first sight. If I were in a Meg Ryan film, pre-fish lips and messy divorce, I would have already married one of those guys. It would have felt right and there would have been no time for anyone to mess up and rile feathers. The “rough patches” would have come within the sanctity of marriage, a marriage which would have been celebrated and accepted by society as it waved back into better times, or washed up on the shores of divorce.

Knowing MUST be more nuanced than this. We are together longer these days, pre-marriage. We have a lot of opportunity to offend one another, to behave obtusely and fail to remember that this or that is important to our other.

Dating relationships that take a lot of work are also often oversimplified, “If it takes this much work now, get out while you still can.” It all takes work, on the front end and the back end. The thoughtful women I love to learn from on A Practical Wedding work daily and choose their partners daily. They also share how they “just knew” and for most people who commented on the linked-to post, they “just knew” only after enduring some scrapes and tumbles with their mates:

It was getting through the hard stuff together, and realizing that when we are not doing well together we will both commit to keep working on it together – and that we are capable of doing that together – and the fact that she was there for some really difficult times in my life and ours and didn’t run away. That was what made me sure too. The joy is there too, but it was the hard stuff that made me sure.

In the time they were with their partners before marriage, they were already working hard through rough patches, learning great things and not so great things about one another and about their shared dynamic.It is clear that in the face of rough patches, that sure as hell did come BEFORE “I do,” these couples were choosing to move forward together and address issues and icky feelings as they came up. What I want to know is, Why?

Or rather, HOW did they know enough to stick with it and not bolt? How did they know that the small triumphs they shared when they overcame issues early on were more significant and powerful than the small “Who the fuck is this person?” moments that they also experienced? How did they know...

That’s what I’m still sorting out for myself. When do you know if there’s enough good in all the right places to make working through the wonky stuff a responsible choice?

We can keep jumping ship and hope that the right one is still out there and with them there are no misunderstandings or rough patches. With him you’ll just know and loving him will come as naturally as breathing... but that’s a fantasy. A ding, dong, dang fantasy. And one with no happy ending if you choose to pursue it  in the real world.

As I get older, I realize that every single relationship is going to have the gross bits and the “Ugh, you are REALLY getting one my nerves” bits. There’s no getting away from that. So that moment when you “just know” means to me that you have thought long and hard about what your must-have list includes and what your deal breakers are. When you have a written set of these goals, it becomes easier to raise your own red flags and either step on the brakes or pause, pivot and nurture on. High value women are list lovers, and so I’d like us all to think long and hard about our lists and we will share ours in the next week. For now, I want to know... If you’re happy and you know it, tell me how?

Adjusting your Picker

Photo Credit: Louis Wain

The saying goes that you can't choose who you fall in love with. To a certain extent that's true, like when you sit across from someone who on paper should be GREAT but you just plain don't have any chemistry. It can also happen in reverse where you suddenly find yourself really excited for a second date with someone you felt only lukewarm about before your first. However, and this is a big one for us mature women of high value, we must make sure the pool of men we even offer a shot to is free of slime and kiddie pee.

So when you know that you're great and it just hasn't worked out for you, know that it's time to look on your "picker." I talked about my spreadsheets and mind maps earlier. Now let's dig even deeper.

You have to know what you're looking for in order to find it. Drew Barrymore did this for a photo book where she spotted hearts all over the place. You can train yourself to spot the good ones. Also, helpful is the fact that weeding out the baddies gets faster and easier. Don't waste the pretty!

Photo Credit: Drew Barrymore, Find it in Everything

There's a great (and necessary) exercise I learned via a good friend who invested in a month with a life coach. Clear away all distractions and write with pen and paper the things you absolutely don't want in a partner. It's a lot easier to start with what we don't want. Here are some of mine: Talks down to me, Refuses to believe he could be wrong, Doesn't support me in my interests...

Next, convert those "deal-breakers" into positives: Effective communicator, Interested in Self-improvement, Is excited for me and shows his support. From your long list you'll start to see patterns. Circle them in groups and then decide on an overarching theme that they support: Intelligent: College educated, interesting to talk to. Affectionate: Speaks kindly to me, is emotionally available and comfortable with PDA.

Life Coach Joe said that we get seven Must-haves, the rest that don't fall under these seven categories are wants, not needs. You might want to date someone who has traveled, but is it really a deal breaker if he exhibits the other six? That's how you narrow down your list to just the needs. Joe says that the first two on any of our lists are a given: 1) Attraction and 2) Sexual Chemistry. That leaves us with five to come up with.

Here are mine:
1) Responsible: Takes responsibility for his actions, his personal growth and is financially stable
2) Emotionally Available: Wants a relationship (with me), communicates openly to resolve differences
3) Affectionate: Speaks kindly to me, is supportive of me and others, shows he cares even in public
4) Family Oriented: Has siblings, speaks well of his family, sees his family each year, wants a family
5) Interesting: Funny, fun to talk to, has his own stuff going on, has creative ideas of things we can do together

I use this mental and literal checklist to decide whether or not to move forward with someone. Any time my friend or I have ignored a missing quality in a mate we have regretted the time wasted. We can't be with people who don't meet our needs. It's just that simple. Next!

Women We Love: Cher Horowitz

Having mentors and women we admire is important at any stage in life. Confidantes, whether your best friend or the lady who waxes your hoo-ha, are essential. It's important work to surround yourself with positive and inspiring people. In the series "Women We Love," I plan to highlight women, real and fictional, who have something valuable and positive to share.

Our first installment is a lighthearted nod to a role model we millenials grew up with, Cher Horowitz of Clueless. If you were a 90s child you can quote along to this little gem. Cher was coming of age in the film, and that means her ideas about the world and herself were being tested and expanded. We are self-centered as children, it's actually a sign of proper development. As teens we start to see the good and the bad in the world and in ourselves. We begin to filter out what we believe from all the noise.

Based on Jane Austen's "Emma", Cher takes a fellow teen under her wing to mentor her. It would be more appropriate for them to grow together, but as step-brother cutey Josh says, he's impressed she found someone more clueless than her.

With all the laughs, there are some real nuggets of wisdom she offers in her "makeover" sessions, ones that I think are simple enough for us to apply to ourselves today:

CHER

OK, from now on we're alternating Cindy Crawford's "Aerobicise" and "Buns of Steel", and reading one non-school book a week. My first book is "Fit or Fat"..

TAI

Mine is "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus".

CHER

Good. Now that takes care of our minds and bodies, but we should do something good for mankind or the planet for a couple of hours. 

The scene is hilarious, the whole thing is golden. Watch/Rewatch it on Netflix. 

Okay let's boil down her advice:
1. Read from one non-school/work book each week
2. Do some form of exercise every day
3. Do something good for others/the planet every day 

The third can seem daunting, but little acts of kindness, being mindful about the products you use and businesses you support or taking shorter showers can be your "something good."

Getting Closure (Without his help)

An outstanding friend of mine has done the hard work of self-reflection and self-betterment and come out the other side a High Value Woman who knows what's what. That does not mean however that she's now an expert in relationships. Even after we decide to change our pattern, we can find ourselves slipping back into the routine of accepting bad behavior when we start dating again. 

She recently recognized that a new budding relationship was not serving her but was instead a repeat of mistakes and lessons already learned. She stood up for herself and said, "THE END." Still, even though it was her choice she hoped he would have said more, fought for her a little bit or given her some closure. Instead... radio silence. We're learning to accept this as the new norm of bad behavior from men, but closure remains important for women. I challenged her to stop thinking about the email/text she wanted to send to him, and instead write a letter from her to her promising to do a better job protecting her next time. Since the breakup she's revisited this letter every day and her strength has been worthy of awe and a book deal. 

Looks like we should add this to our standard protocol when hopes are dashed and another one bites the dust. If they go radio silent or if it ends and we continue to hear from them, there is still nothing to say to them that will make the situation better. In fact, by contacting them you risk your pride and your feelings (as they often lash out). Is there nothing left to be said? Oh, there's a lot to be said, but you need to say it and you need to hear it. 

The following is the letter generously shared by my friend. Note that names have been changed to protect privacy. The ex is known as the Selfish Bastard, my friend has named her past self as Karen and her present and stronger self Conseula (more on this technique later). 

Dear Karen,

I know you are sad and hurt by the break-up with the Selfish Bastard. The most important thing to remember is that you did nothing wrong; you were being authentic, open, vulnerable, and loving to a person who wasn't willing or even ABLE to give you the same in return. It is hard to face the reality that you have to move on, but embrace it. The worry and anxiety you've been going through with him will now come to an end, and you can focus on yourself. By accepting the facts, and living your life for YOU, the right person will be able to come into your life and give you the love you deserve.

What you need to work on is following your intuition. When a man says he isn't ready, or is clearly emotionally unavailable, BELIEVE HIM. It will not change. You cannot "fix" anyone else, nor do you want to repeat this shit again. It has been painful enough. You are done trying to create order in some one's life that is a fucking mess. And the Selfish Bastard is a fucking mess. Only he can do the work to make himself a better person, and he clearly isn't even trying to do that. Walking away with your dignity in tact is the best and only option; you finally did it yesterday.

Don't worry if he is going to call, text, email, etc. You do not need any other information from him. He told you that he is okay with you dating other people, that he is still online, and he has been "seeing you too much". WTF? What more do you need? Nothing. This man does not want you, deserve you, or respect you. Why do you care what he is doing or thinking? Don't. He doesn't deserve one more second of your time. If he does try to contact you, remember it is for his own selfish reasons, not because he actually cares about you. If he did care about you, he would have never treated you the way that he did. He only cares about himself. So don't answer and don't even think for a second that contacting him will change anything. It won't .

Remember the lessons you have learned. If a man doesn't meet your checklist, he never will. He won't meet your needs and if your needs aren't met, you will never really be happy. You deserve to be happy because you are a good person. You need to remember that you are a loving person that gives and gives and gives. It is time to give to yourself. DO NOT SETTLE. I repeat, DO NOT SETTLE. Take care of your heart. Life is too short to be with the wrong person, constantly spinning, feeling insecure, and losing yourself. Don't be fooled into thinking that you can fix anyone or wait it out long enough for them to rise up to your expectations. It will never work. See the red flags, accept them, and move on to the next.

Please stay strong and focus on yourself. It is not worth losing your self-respect or dignity to go back to this man. It is not allowed. He is out of your life. The universe has sent you a thousand signs that he is not the man for you. Believe the signs, know the truth, carry your head high, and start living the life you deserve.

All my love,

Consuela

What would you say to yourself right now? Go ahead. Write it. 

Finding Patterns in Who and How you Date

What is your pattern? If you are not sure I strongly suggest creating a mind map and an excel spreadsheet (just don’t send it to any snarky friends who live on reddit).

Do the excel spreadsheet first to chart patterns in the people you’ve dated or the bad jobs you’ve had, whatever the pattern is you’re concerned about repeating. What qualities show up over and over?

It’s easy to see a pattern like “Cocky” or “Quiet.” But you might also find that more benign, seemingly neutral characteristics pop up throughout. What do you glean from them? If it’s a quality like (as an example from my excel) “Science Major” look deeper into what that could mean about his personality and what you liked about it.

I decided my science majors were logical, pragmatic, naturally curious and, more often than not, a bit emotionally stunted. I also respect that type of intelligence more than some others, so it’s a pattern that will undoubtedly persist. However, now I like to see qualities like, “Has a sister, has close friends from years back and none of them are overt assholes (hinting at a general acceptance of such behavior). Finally, and MOST importantly ability to voice feelings, emotions early on. I'm not talking about a declaration about how he feels about me, I'm talking about him revealing what goes on in his heart and head. Real intimacy requires that sort of sharing.

Look for your patterns of behaviors. What legacy are you repeating? You probably have started blaming "them" for the breakups, but now you can see that you're "picker" cold benefit from reflection and refining. After I mapped it all out, I realized that I was kept dating the same man, he just had a different name and hairstyle. Each time they'd be a little better than the last (all nice guys just not right for me)... but at the rate I was improving my picker, it would take years of dating more of the same guy before I got to the good ones.

SO, I am consciously changing it up. I recognize that I'm naturally attracted to confident, manly men and that is is new to find sensitive types sexy. But already I'm learning so much more about functional dating and know that I can build passion over time. So much better than bumping my head against a witholding, machismo wall.

Get into your history girl, and then we’ll conquer the next step together: Breaking the chain and choosing to live the rest of your life with intention.

Grass is Greener

The other day I decided to go through some of my favorites on OKC and make the first move by sending a message. Everyone replied and were happy to have heard from me (We both "liked" each other, a feature on the site). I definitely suggest this ladies! One sent a sweet message back that he was no longer available, but then... he revealed that natural but detrimental to happiness human behavior where the grass is greener on the other side. I'm particularly proud of my response. I hope that the message of "the grass is greener WHERE YOU WATER IT" hits home for him and spreads the message of stick with-it-ness.

I speak first, responding to his news of seeing someone: 

I got to say, I was channeling my lady love Liz Lemon on this one:

New Milestones

Traditionally (Re: prior to the Great Recession) the milestones for life after high school were:

- Attend and graduate from College or - Get a job

- Land a great job, or one starter job before landing a great lifelong career

- Get Married

- Buy a Home

- Have a kid

- Have some more

We all know by now that these traditional milestones have been largely made intangible by the economic downturn. Still, outside of our peer-group, these milestones are still held in the collective conscious as signs for being a successful adult.  Redefining “the Good Life” is a huge part of redefining what it means to be single in this grave new world. It’s time to choose new milestones for ourselves, to declare them, map out the path and achieve them.

It’s not good for our brains or our spirits to hold fast to these old milestones. If we keep them old paradigm we will be left feeling as though we have stalled out. Instead of feeling as though we occupy the space between graduation and success, let’s consider ourselves already on the path of living a full and intentful.

This time before we are bound by mortgages, marriages, children and tenure can serve as an opportunity to craft a life-view and begin living it out. Our free time allows the space needed to convert this life-view into daily habit before we are bogged down by life event clutter and clamour. Once a positive life-view is out habitual go-to philosophy, we can think on our feet, jump to the right and honest conclusions and bring more positivity to the table as we set new places for partner (or not) and kids (or not).

Individuality is the cornerstone of our generation’s zeitgeist and so the milestones we set for ourselves are unique to us. Lucky is the generation that follows us because they are less likely to feel the weight of the world on their shoulders by not picking the usual path because either they a) don’t want it or b) can’t have it.

I would love to hear from each of you on the milestones you for yourself and choose freely. As for me, I will celebrate the following crowning achievements and consider myself a grand success as I continue to tick off the boxes:

• Traveling to India, Ireland, England, Colombia, Peru, Guatemala, Morocco, Scotland, Turkey, Greece, Italy
• Making and maintaining good quality people in my life for over ten years
• Find a way to give back to others through exercising my own talents
• Get into Nursing School (CHECK)
• Become a Nurse Practitioner
• Paying down my student loan debt monthly
• Adding to my savings account monthly
• Sharing my life with a quality mate
• Working to keep a romantic relationship healthy and/or knowing when it’s not and letting it go
• Deciding now what would Katie do when faced with big life decisions: marriage, marital conflict, pregnancy, birth of a son (circumcision), parenting, the chance to go back to school, moving out of state or country.

So those are what I have declared my milestones thus far. Some I’ve already been able to check off, Yay me! Others are still to be achieved, but having them written down allows me to be conscientious in my choices and actions so that I know I am on the path towards achieving them. There are more victories we can celebrate as single, non-landowning young ones. What’s on your list?