Adjusting your Picker

Photo Credit: Louis Wain

The saying goes that you can't choose who you fall in love with. To a certain extent that's true, like when you sit across from someone who on paper should be GREAT but you just plain don't have any chemistry. It can also happen in reverse where you suddenly find yourself really excited for a second date with someone you felt only lukewarm about before your first. However, and this is a big one for us mature women of high value, we must make sure the pool of men we even offer a shot to is free of slime and kiddie pee.

So when you know that you're great and it just hasn't worked out for you, know that it's time to look on your "picker." I talked about my spreadsheets and mind maps earlier. Now let's dig even deeper.

You have to know what you're looking for in order to find it. Drew Barrymore did this for a photo book where she spotted hearts all over the place. You can train yourself to spot the good ones. Also, helpful is the fact that weeding out the baddies gets faster and easier. Don't waste the pretty!

Photo Credit: Drew Barrymore, Find it in Everything

There's a great (and necessary) exercise I learned via a good friend who invested in a month with a life coach. Clear away all distractions and write with pen and paper the things you absolutely don't want in a partner. It's a lot easier to start with what we don't want. Here are some of mine: Talks down to me, Refuses to believe he could be wrong, Doesn't support me in my interests...

Next, convert those "deal-breakers" into positives: Effective communicator, Interested in Self-improvement, Is excited for me and shows his support. From your long list you'll start to see patterns. Circle them in groups and then decide on an overarching theme that they support: Intelligent: College educated, interesting to talk to. Affectionate: Speaks kindly to me, is emotionally available and comfortable with PDA.

Life Coach Joe said that we get seven Must-haves, the rest that don't fall under these seven categories are wants, not needs. You might want to date someone who has traveled, but is it really a deal breaker if he exhibits the other six? That's how you narrow down your list to just the needs. Joe says that the first two on any of our lists are a given: 1) Attraction and 2) Sexual Chemistry. That leaves us with five to come up with.

Here are mine:
1) Responsible: Takes responsibility for his actions, his personal growth and is financially stable
2) Emotionally Available: Wants a relationship (with me), communicates openly to resolve differences
3) Affectionate: Speaks kindly to me, is supportive of me and others, shows he cares even in public
4) Family Oriented: Has siblings, speaks well of his family, sees his family each year, wants a family
5) Interesting: Funny, fun to talk to, has his own stuff going on, has creative ideas of things we can do together

I use this mental and literal checklist to decide whether or not to move forward with someone. Any time my friend or I have ignored a missing quality in a mate we have regretted the time wasted. We can't be with people who don't meet our needs. It's just that simple. Next!

Getting Closure (Without his help)

An outstanding friend of mine has done the hard work of self-reflection and self-betterment and come out the other side a High Value Woman who knows what's what. That does not mean however that she's now an expert in relationships. Even after we decide to change our pattern, we can find ourselves slipping back into the routine of accepting bad behavior when we start dating again. 

She recently recognized that a new budding relationship was not serving her but was instead a repeat of mistakes and lessons already learned. She stood up for herself and said, "THE END." Still, even though it was her choice she hoped he would have said more, fought for her a little bit or given her some closure. Instead... radio silence. We're learning to accept this as the new norm of bad behavior from men, but closure remains important for women. I challenged her to stop thinking about the email/text she wanted to send to him, and instead write a letter from her to her promising to do a better job protecting her next time. Since the breakup she's revisited this letter every day and her strength has been worthy of awe and a book deal. 

Looks like we should add this to our standard protocol when hopes are dashed and another one bites the dust. If they go radio silent or if it ends and we continue to hear from them, there is still nothing to say to them that will make the situation better. In fact, by contacting them you risk your pride and your feelings (as they often lash out). Is there nothing left to be said? Oh, there's a lot to be said, but you need to say it and you need to hear it. 

The following is the letter generously shared by my friend. Note that names have been changed to protect privacy. The ex is known as the Selfish Bastard, my friend has named her past self as Karen and her present and stronger self Conseula (more on this technique later). 

Dear Karen,

I know you are sad and hurt by the break-up with the Selfish Bastard. The most important thing to remember is that you did nothing wrong; you were being authentic, open, vulnerable, and loving to a person who wasn't willing or even ABLE to give you the same in return. It is hard to face the reality that you have to move on, but embrace it. The worry and anxiety you've been going through with him will now come to an end, and you can focus on yourself. By accepting the facts, and living your life for YOU, the right person will be able to come into your life and give you the love you deserve.

What you need to work on is following your intuition. When a man says he isn't ready, or is clearly emotionally unavailable, BELIEVE HIM. It will not change. You cannot "fix" anyone else, nor do you want to repeat this shit again. It has been painful enough. You are done trying to create order in some one's life that is a fucking mess. And the Selfish Bastard is a fucking mess. Only he can do the work to make himself a better person, and he clearly isn't even trying to do that. Walking away with your dignity in tact is the best and only option; you finally did it yesterday.

Don't worry if he is going to call, text, email, etc. You do not need any other information from him. He told you that he is okay with you dating other people, that he is still online, and he has been "seeing you too much". WTF? What more do you need? Nothing. This man does not want you, deserve you, or respect you. Why do you care what he is doing or thinking? Don't. He doesn't deserve one more second of your time. If he does try to contact you, remember it is for his own selfish reasons, not because he actually cares about you. If he did care about you, he would have never treated you the way that he did. He only cares about himself. So don't answer and don't even think for a second that contacting him will change anything. It won't .

Remember the lessons you have learned. If a man doesn't meet your checklist, he never will. He won't meet your needs and if your needs aren't met, you will never really be happy. You deserve to be happy because you are a good person. You need to remember that you are a loving person that gives and gives and gives. It is time to give to yourself. DO NOT SETTLE. I repeat, DO NOT SETTLE. Take care of your heart. Life is too short to be with the wrong person, constantly spinning, feeling insecure, and losing yourself. Don't be fooled into thinking that you can fix anyone or wait it out long enough for them to rise up to your expectations. It will never work. See the red flags, accept them, and move on to the next.

Please stay strong and focus on yourself. It is not worth losing your self-respect or dignity to go back to this man. It is not allowed. He is out of your life. The universe has sent you a thousand signs that he is not the man for you. Believe the signs, know the truth, carry your head high, and start living the life you deserve.

All my love,

Consuela

What would you say to yourself right now? Go ahead. Write it. 

Finding Patterns in Who and How you Date

What is your pattern? If you are not sure I strongly suggest creating a mind map and an excel spreadsheet (just don’t send it to any snarky friends who live on reddit).

Do the excel spreadsheet first to chart patterns in the people you’ve dated or the bad jobs you’ve had, whatever the pattern is you’re concerned about repeating. What qualities show up over and over?

It’s easy to see a pattern like “Cocky” or “Quiet.” But you might also find that more benign, seemingly neutral characteristics pop up throughout. What do you glean from them? If it’s a quality like (as an example from my excel) “Science Major” look deeper into what that could mean about his personality and what you liked about it.

I decided my science majors were logical, pragmatic, naturally curious and, more often than not, a bit emotionally stunted. I also respect that type of intelligence more than some others, so it’s a pattern that will undoubtedly persist. However, now I like to see qualities like, “Has a sister, has close friends from years back and none of them are overt assholes (hinting at a general acceptance of such behavior). Finally, and MOST importantly ability to voice feelings, emotions early on. I'm not talking about a declaration about how he feels about me, I'm talking about him revealing what goes on in his heart and head. Real intimacy requires that sort of sharing.

Look for your patterns of behaviors. What legacy are you repeating? You probably have started blaming "them" for the breakups, but now you can see that you're "picker" cold benefit from reflection and refining. After I mapped it all out, I realized that I was kept dating the same man, he just had a different name and hairstyle. Each time they'd be a little better than the last (all nice guys just not right for me)... but at the rate I was improving my picker, it would take years of dating more of the same guy before I got to the good ones.

SO, I am consciously changing it up. I recognize that I'm naturally attracted to confident, manly men and that is is new to find sensitive types sexy. But already I'm learning so much more about functional dating and know that I can build passion over time. So much better than bumping my head against a witholding, machismo wall.

Get into your history girl, and then we’ll conquer the next step together: Breaking the chain and choosing to live the rest of your life with intention.