Adjusting your Picker

Photo Credit: Louis Wain

The saying goes that you can't choose who you fall in love with. To a certain extent that's true, like when you sit across from someone who on paper should be GREAT but you just plain don't have any chemistry. It can also happen in reverse where you suddenly find yourself really excited for a second date with someone you felt only lukewarm about before your first. However, and this is a big one for us mature women of high value, we must make sure the pool of men we even offer a shot to is free of slime and kiddie pee.

So when you know that you're great and it just hasn't worked out for you, know that it's time to look on your "picker." I talked about my spreadsheets and mind maps earlier. Now let's dig even deeper.

You have to know what you're looking for in order to find it. Drew Barrymore did this for a photo book where she spotted hearts all over the place. You can train yourself to spot the good ones. Also, helpful is the fact that weeding out the baddies gets faster and easier. Don't waste the pretty!

Photo Credit: Drew Barrymore, Find it in Everything

There's a great (and necessary) exercise I learned via a good friend who invested in a month with a life coach. Clear away all distractions and write with pen and paper the things you absolutely don't want in a partner. It's a lot easier to start with what we don't want. Here are some of mine: Talks down to me, Refuses to believe he could be wrong, Doesn't support me in my interests...

Next, convert those "deal-breakers" into positives: Effective communicator, Interested in Self-improvement, Is excited for me and shows his support. From your long list you'll start to see patterns. Circle them in groups and then decide on an overarching theme that they support: Intelligent: College educated, interesting to talk to. Affectionate: Speaks kindly to me, is emotionally available and comfortable with PDA.

Life Coach Joe said that we get seven Must-haves, the rest that don't fall under these seven categories are wants, not needs. You might want to date someone who has traveled, but is it really a deal breaker if he exhibits the other six? That's how you narrow down your list to just the needs. Joe says that the first two on any of our lists are a given: 1) Attraction and 2) Sexual Chemistry. That leaves us with five to come up with.

Here are mine:
1) Responsible: Takes responsibility for his actions, his personal growth and is financially stable
2) Emotionally Available: Wants a relationship (with me), communicates openly to resolve differences
3) Affectionate: Speaks kindly to me, is supportive of me and others, shows he cares even in public
4) Family Oriented: Has siblings, speaks well of his family, sees his family each year, wants a family
5) Interesting: Funny, fun to talk to, has his own stuff going on, has creative ideas of things we can do together

I use this mental and literal checklist to decide whether or not to move forward with someone. Any time my friend or I have ignored a missing quality in a mate we have regretted the time wasted. We can't be with people who don't meet our needs. It's just that simple. Next!