Finding Patterns in Who and How you Date

What is your pattern? If you are not sure I strongly suggest creating a mind map and an excel spreadsheet (just don’t send it to any snarky friends who live on reddit).

Do the excel spreadsheet first to chart patterns in the people you’ve dated or the bad jobs you’ve had, whatever the pattern is you’re concerned about repeating. What qualities show up over and over?

It’s easy to see a pattern like “Cocky” or “Quiet.” But you might also find that more benign, seemingly neutral characteristics pop up throughout. What do you glean from them? If it’s a quality like (as an example from my excel) “Science Major” look deeper into what that could mean about his personality and what you liked about it.

I decided my science majors were logical, pragmatic, naturally curious and, more often than not, a bit emotionally stunted. I also respect that type of intelligence more than some others, so it’s a pattern that will undoubtedly persist. However, now I like to see qualities like, “Has a sister, has close friends from years back and none of them are overt assholes (hinting at a general acceptance of such behavior). Finally, and MOST importantly ability to voice feelings, emotions early on. I'm not talking about a declaration about how he feels about me, I'm talking about him revealing what goes on in his heart and head. Real intimacy requires that sort of sharing.

Look for your patterns of behaviors. What legacy are you repeating? You probably have started blaming "them" for the breakups, but now you can see that you're "picker" cold benefit from reflection and refining. After I mapped it all out, I realized that I was kept dating the same man, he just had a different name and hairstyle. Each time they'd be a little better than the last (all nice guys just not right for me)... but at the rate I was improving my picker, it would take years of dating more of the same guy before I got to the good ones.

SO, I am consciously changing it up. I recognize that I'm naturally attracted to confident, manly men and that is is new to find sensitive types sexy. But already I'm learning so much more about functional dating and know that I can build passion over time. So much better than bumping my head against a witholding, machismo wall.

Get into your history girl, and then we’ll conquer the next step together: Breaking the chain and choosing to live the rest of your life with intention.