Getting Closure (Without his help)

An outstanding friend of mine has done the hard work of self-reflection and self-betterment and come out the other side a High Value Woman who knows what's what. That does not mean however that she's now an expert in relationships. Even after we decide to change our pattern, we can find ourselves slipping back into the routine of accepting bad behavior when we start dating again. 

She recently recognized that a new budding relationship was not serving her but was instead a repeat of mistakes and lessons already learned. She stood up for herself and said, "THE END." Still, even though it was her choice she hoped he would have said more, fought for her a little bit or given her some closure. Instead... radio silence. We're learning to accept this as the new norm of bad behavior from men, but closure remains important for women. I challenged her to stop thinking about the email/text she wanted to send to him, and instead write a letter from her to her promising to do a better job protecting her next time. Since the breakup she's revisited this letter every day and her strength has been worthy of awe and a book deal. 

Looks like we should add this to our standard protocol when hopes are dashed and another one bites the dust. If they go radio silent or if it ends and we continue to hear from them, there is still nothing to say to them that will make the situation better. In fact, by contacting them you risk your pride and your feelings (as they often lash out). Is there nothing left to be said? Oh, there's a lot to be said, but you need to say it and you need to hear it. 

The following is the letter generously shared by my friend. Note that names have been changed to protect privacy. The ex is known as the Selfish Bastard, my friend has named her past self as Karen and her present and stronger self Conseula (more on this technique later). 

Dear Karen,

I know you are sad and hurt by the break-up with the Selfish Bastard. The most important thing to remember is that you did nothing wrong; you were being authentic, open, vulnerable, and loving to a person who wasn't willing or even ABLE to give you the same in return. It is hard to face the reality that you have to move on, but embrace it. The worry and anxiety you've been going through with him will now come to an end, and you can focus on yourself. By accepting the facts, and living your life for YOU, the right person will be able to come into your life and give you the love you deserve.

What you need to work on is following your intuition. When a man says he isn't ready, or is clearly emotionally unavailable, BELIEVE HIM. It will not change. You cannot "fix" anyone else, nor do you want to repeat this shit again. It has been painful enough. You are done trying to create order in some one's life that is a fucking mess. And the Selfish Bastard is a fucking mess. Only he can do the work to make himself a better person, and he clearly isn't even trying to do that. Walking away with your dignity in tact is the best and only option; you finally did it yesterday.

Don't worry if he is going to call, text, email, etc. You do not need any other information from him. He told you that he is okay with you dating other people, that he is still online, and he has been "seeing you too much". WTF? What more do you need? Nothing. This man does not want you, deserve you, or respect you. Why do you care what he is doing or thinking? Don't. He doesn't deserve one more second of your time. If he does try to contact you, remember it is for his own selfish reasons, not because he actually cares about you. If he did care about you, he would have never treated you the way that he did. He only cares about himself. So don't answer and don't even think for a second that contacting him will change anything. It won't .

Remember the lessons you have learned. If a man doesn't meet your checklist, he never will. He won't meet your needs and if your needs aren't met, you will never really be happy. You deserve to be happy because you are a good person. You need to remember that you are a loving person that gives and gives and gives. It is time to give to yourself. DO NOT SETTLE. I repeat, DO NOT SETTLE. Take care of your heart. Life is too short to be with the wrong person, constantly spinning, feeling insecure, and losing yourself. Don't be fooled into thinking that you can fix anyone or wait it out long enough for them to rise up to your expectations. It will never work. See the red flags, accept them, and move on to the next.

Please stay strong and focus on yourself. It is not worth losing your self-respect or dignity to go back to this man. It is not allowed. He is out of your life. The universe has sent you a thousand signs that he is not the man for you. Believe the signs, know the truth, carry your head high, and start living the life you deserve.

All my love,

Consuela

What would you say to yourself right now? Go ahead. Write it. 

No Bean Flicking on Borrowed Couches

There will come a time on your road to being the best you, when you will need to sleep on a friend’s couch. I’ve gone through at least two long periods of transition where this was the case. Between jobs, lovers and leases, I needed the help of a friend who had a spare surface for me to crash on.

Photo Credit: Ruffled Blog

It is important to be able to ask for this help, because there is a light on the other side, but you need to have all your energy and focus free to get there. Having one less thing to worry about (RE: rent or avoiding the return to your parents’ house) is essential.

Now, just because you’re in transition and a temporary guest in someone else’s home, does not mean the urge for privacy will not arise. Having a little “schwing” in your step is a very good sign that your energy and spirit are ripe for embarking on your new beginning and making something wonderful out of it. But darling, as the self-appointed Emily Post of transition, I must allude to rule number one of staying with friends: No bean flicking on borrowed couches!

Someday soon, you will be coming into your own again. You will get back to privacy and four of your very own walls to muffle the sweet sounds of your private ecstasy.

Trust me, you will get there again.

For now, however, you must refrain from sliding that expert hand under the clean linens your pal so kindly folded on the couch for you upon your unexpected arrival.

One way to mentally prepare for such a period is to pack away your toys in a box under guard of extra duct tape far away where you can’t get to them. Your suitcase is a fun free zone, I’m afraid.

In some ways, missing out on teasing the tuna acts as a very tasty carrot to motivate your speedy transition. I know, for me, getting back into my groove really put a fire under me to pour over job applications, flood the market with my resume and drop ‘em dead at interviews. I’d leave CEOs thinking, “That girl has really got something. She’s hungry. She’s aching to achieve!”

Now ladybits, I am by no means an advocate for self-repression. I want you to want you. This is good and healthy, but we’ve got to show our gratitude to our hostesses and put them before ourselves when it comes to this.

Should you and what God gave you decide enough is enough... check to make sure you have the place to yourself and hop in the shower. A good girlfriend would understand the need and appreciate your consideration for the upholstery.

Oh, and, speaking from recent tragic experience, avoid watching that marvelous Ryan Gosling scene in Crazy, Stupid, Love. It will only add to conflict in the Deep South. Really, don't watch the following without privacy.

Above all, know that I have been there, as have so many other young women in transition. You and you will know love again.

You’ve just gotta trust me on this one.

Gen whY Aren't You Married?

As a member of Generation Y, a woman and a person I would like to declare that I am not married, am no longer in a rush to be married but I am sure I will be married at some point. I am not in Limbo. I am living my life as a person who happens to be single, working and happy. 

There are a plethora of online spaces for discussing being engaged, being married, being a parent and I'm glad. My particular favorite is www.apracticalwedding.com and has been since I discovered it in 2008, more on that later. A Practical Wedding has grown into so much more than a place for sane women to discuss getting married. Men, LGBT community, single people they're all on there now exploring what it means to foster and support healthy relationships. It's wonderful to learn from them. I want to have a space that speaks more to the single person, not the single person waiting in quiet desperation for her prince, but the thoughtful single person who has delved into and rejected the fairy tales and expectations thrown at her, because she's seen the numbers and knows they are not pretty. To be successful in life and in love takes intention. 

Here we talk about living with intention now and not just waiting on marriage as a financial plan or a happiness guarantee. You know it ain't, ladies. It's been confirmed: 

Facts (according to Forbes):

• According to the U.S. Census Bureau there has been a significant increase in the number of women who have never been married, particularly in the 20-34 age bracket (Millennial women.)
• A survey of Gen Y women revealed that 59% feel that “living together” is a legitimate lifestyle and a majority said it is okay to remain unmarried even if they have children.
• Demographer Kenneth Gronbach blogged that Generation Y will begin to “marry with a vengeance” as they hit the Gen Y marrying age of 26.  (I think he is dead wrong but it is okay to disagree. So we’ll report and you decide.)

Some nuggets that may appear to be unrelated to marriage and our changing ideas of what constitutes normal and/or healthy family units:

• Men may be becoming irrelevant. Gen Y men as a group seem to be struggling with the role of breadwinner and being a Dad is not what it used to be.
• 37% of 18-29 year-olds have been unemployed or under-employed during the recession.
• More than 1 in 3 young workers say they are living with their parents.
• Only 58% of Millennials say they pay their bills on time.
• Only 21% of Millennials say they are married, (half the percentage as their parent’s generation at the same age.

We know these facts, we feel them in our bones and see them across the table on our zillionith first date. We proceed cautiously, but at our core we are optimists. We just need to stack the cards in our favor.