Women We Love: Cher Horowitz

Having mentors and women we admire is important at any stage in life. Confidantes, whether your best friend or the lady who waxes your hoo-ha, are essential. It's important work to surround yourself with positive and inspiring people. In the series "Women We Love," I plan to highlight women, real and fictional, who have something valuable and positive to share.

Our first installment is a lighthearted nod to a role model we millenials grew up with, Cher Horowitz of Clueless. If you were a 90s child you can quote along to this little gem. Cher was coming of age in the film, and that means her ideas about the world and herself were being tested and expanded. We are self-centered as children, it's actually a sign of proper development. As teens we start to see the good and the bad in the world and in ourselves. We begin to filter out what we believe from all the noise.

Based on Jane Austen's "Emma", Cher takes a fellow teen under her wing to mentor her. It would be more appropriate for them to grow together, but as step-brother cutey Josh says, he's impressed she found someone more clueless than her.

With all the laughs, there are some real nuggets of wisdom she offers in her "makeover" sessions, ones that I think are simple enough for us to apply to ourselves today:

CHER

OK, from now on we're alternating Cindy Crawford's "Aerobicise" and "Buns of Steel", and reading one non-school book a week. My first book is "Fit or Fat"..

TAI

Mine is "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus".

CHER

Good. Now that takes care of our minds and bodies, but we should do something good for mankind or the planet for a couple of hours. 

The scene is hilarious, the whole thing is golden. Watch/Rewatch it on Netflix. 

Okay let's boil down her advice:
1. Read from one non-school/work book each week
2. Do some form of exercise every day
3. Do something good for others/the planet every day 

The third can seem daunting, but little acts of kindness, being mindful about the products you use and businesses you support or taking shorter showers can be your "something good."

Finding Patterns in Who and How you Date

What is your pattern? If you are not sure I strongly suggest creating a mind map and an excel spreadsheet (just don’t send it to any snarky friends who live on reddit).

Do the excel spreadsheet first to chart patterns in the people you’ve dated or the bad jobs you’ve had, whatever the pattern is you’re concerned about repeating. What qualities show up over and over?

It’s easy to see a pattern like “Cocky” or “Quiet.” But you might also find that more benign, seemingly neutral characteristics pop up throughout. What do you glean from them? If it’s a quality like (as an example from my excel) “Science Major” look deeper into what that could mean about his personality and what you liked about it.

I decided my science majors were logical, pragmatic, naturally curious and, more often than not, a bit emotionally stunted. I also respect that type of intelligence more than some others, so it’s a pattern that will undoubtedly persist. However, now I like to see qualities like, “Has a sister, has close friends from years back and none of them are overt assholes (hinting at a general acceptance of such behavior). Finally, and MOST importantly ability to voice feelings, emotions early on. I'm not talking about a declaration about how he feels about me, I'm talking about him revealing what goes on in his heart and head. Real intimacy requires that sort of sharing.

Look for your patterns of behaviors. What legacy are you repeating? You probably have started blaming "them" for the breakups, but now you can see that you're "picker" cold benefit from reflection and refining. After I mapped it all out, I realized that I was kept dating the same man, he just had a different name and hairstyle. Each time they'd be a little better than the last (all nice guys just not right for me)... but at the rate I was improving my picker, it would take years of dating more of the same guy before I got to the good ones.

SO, I am consciously changing it up. I recognize that I'm naturally attracted to confident, manly men and that is is new to find sensitive types sexy. But already I'm learning so much more about functional dating and know that I can build passion over time. So much better than bumping my head against a witholding, machismo wall.

Get into your history girl, and then we’ll conquer the next step together: Breaking the chain and choosing to live the rest of your life with intention.

No Bean Flicking on Borrowed Couches

There will come a time on your road to being the best you, when you will need to sleep on a friend’s couch. I’ve gone through at least two long periods of transition where this was the case. Between jobs, lovers and leases, I needed the help of a friend who had a spare surface for me to crash on.

Photo Credit: Ruffled Blog

It is important to be able to ask for this help, because there is a light on the other side, but you need to have all your energy and focus free to get there. Having one less thing to worry about (RE: rent or avoiding the return to your parents’ house) is essential.

Now, just because you’re in transition and a temporary guest in someone else’s home, does not mean the urge for privacy will not arise. Having a little “schwing” in your step is a very good sign that your energy and spirit are ripe for embarking on your new beginning and making something wonderful out of it. But darling, as the self-appointed Emily Post of transition, I must allude to rule number one of staying with friends: No bean flicking on borrowed couches!

Someday soon, you will be coming into your own again. You will get back to privacy and four of your very own walls to muffle the sweet sounds of your private ecstasy.

Trust me, you will get there again.

For now, however, you must refrain from sliding that expert hand under the clean linens your pal so kindly folded on the couch for you upon your unexpected arrival.

One way to mentally prepare for such a period is to pack away your toys in a box under guard of extra duct tape far away where you can’t get to them. Your suitcase is a fun free zone, I’m afraid.

In some ways, missing out on teasing the tuna acts as a very tasty carrot to motivate your speedy transition. I know, for me, getting back into my groove really put a fire under me to pour over job applications, flood the market with my resume and drop ‘em dead at interviews. I’d leave CEOs thinking, “That girl has really got something. She’s hungry. She’s aching to achieve!”

Now ladybits, I am by no means an advocate for self-repression. I want you to want you. This is good and healthy, but we’ve got to show our gratitude to our hostesses and put them before ourselves when it comes to this.

Should you and what God gave you decide enough is enough... check to make sure you have the place to yourself and hop in the shower. A good girlfriend would understand the need and appreciate your consideration for the upholstery.

Oh, and, speaking from recent tragic experience, avoid watching that marvelous Ryan Gosling scene in Crazy, Stupid, Love. It will only add to conflict in the Deep South. Really, don't watch the following without privacy.

Above all, know that I have been there, as have so many other young women in transition. You and you will know love again.

You’ve just gotta trust me on this one.